It’s like an emery board for your cats that is specially designed to keep their nails trimmed and rounded! And the special scratchable material is infused with catnip to keep your kitty coming back for more! Only $29.99, but if you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll knock off a whole $10, to make a special low price of $19.99!
I want one. I don’t even have a cat. I don’t even like cats. I think they’re frightening. But I WANT a special kitty scratching post. It’s so convenient. I would never have to clip my nonexistent cat’s nails again! I also want an egg boiler, a Sham Wow, the entire Bare Minerals makeup collection, the Ab Rocket, and maybe a Slap Chop for good measure.
I know that these items are stupid. I already know how to boil eggs in a pot, and I don’t even really like hard boiled eggs. Sham Wows don’t work at all. Bare Minerals can’t possibly be as good as the infomercial touts, the Ab Rocket doesn’t o anything about stomach fat, and, while I may not be as efficient as a Slap Chop, my cutting board and paring knife are just as useful. So why in the world do I want to spend my hard earned money on these things?
Maybe it has to do with the second and third most important of the fourteen core American values as defined by Robin Williams: individual comfort and success, and material comfort. Raised in a middle class family, I am no stranger to individual and material comfort. My mom’s car gets good gas mileage, I have a cell phone and an iPod, and I go to sleep every night on a nice comfortable bed with no doubts that tomorrow I will be able to enjoy the same comforts. However, I am also programmed to strive to better myself.
Another of the 14 core American values is practicality and efficiency, that is, doing the most work the fastest and with the least amount of energy. And that’s where “As Seen on TV” comes in. Even as a small child, I marveled at the speed at which the Slap Chop could turn tomatoes, onions, and cilantro into a tasty and delicious salsa treat. I wanted it. This didn’t change as I grew older and wiser. I was assured by a handsome and charismatic salesman that this little device would change my life. He led me to believe that it didn’t matter if my parents died, I got straight F’s, my dog had an accident in the house, etc. With one push of the Slap Chop’s smooth hard plastic top, all my troubles would disappear, the Heavens would open up, and angels would sing the Hallelujah chorus…. And I believed him.
Alas, one day over winter break, my mother decided to dice up some vegetables for a salsa. I went to the drawer to grab the old knife and cutting board routine, but apparently the charismatic salesman had reached my mother too, because she stopped and pulled out… voila! A Slap Chop! My heart sped up and my palms began to throb. I watched as she put the first tomato on the counter and placed the Slap Chop over it. She let me do the honors.
I looked around my small kitchen for the last time, expecting to be transported to a gigantic mansion with a fully equipped kitchen and a refrigerator with double doors as soon as pressed down on the chopping button. I took a deep breath, applied a little pressure, and closed my eyes…. Pop! Nothing happened. I looked at the tomato in the Slap Chop. Half of it was stuck in the metal chopper and half of it was still not cut up. What? Blasphemy! I slapped the button again and again and again. It was terrible. Such disillusionment I would never wish upon another person. It was if I had discovered that Santa Claus wasn’t real again! The Slap Chop was just a piece of trash and instead of having finely diced tomato pieces, I had a mushy tomato glop that was seeping onto everything on the counter. I was crushed.
My soul felt as mangled as the tomato. I had a Slap Chop, so why hadn’t my homework disappeared and my old puppy dog risen from the dead?
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that naivety. I saw the infomercials. I saw the old woman talk about how easy the Slap Chop made her life, and I wanted to be as happy as her. But By wanting that, I only pushed happiness further away. My contentment at chopping vegetables had ebbed and flowed as the Slap Chop took over my psyche. NOT HEALTHY.
Now I am an adult. My first time with the Slap Chop was not a success, and it led me to understand more about the values of individual and material comfort. If you think you have a high level of comfort, you do. It’s all subjective.
To conclude, I still enjoy watching infomercials. Billy Mays is still a hero of mine, and I mourn his passing like a friend. And I still want EVERY SINGLE THING that I see on those stupid commercials. Maybe my life would be more comfortable if I had a shoe rack that hung on my closet door, or a special set of Tupperware containers that were stackable and easily organized. But the point is, convenience does not equal comfort. How long until I start throwing my shoes in the bottom of my closet again, or before I stop stacking my Tupperware and start shoving it in drawers. Stupid products don’t change a person’s habit. Tupperware can’t make me a more organized person, just like the Slap Chop can’t help me be a better cook.
For two easy payments of $39.99, you too can come to a life changing conclusion like this. But, if you call in the next 10 minutes, we’ll double your order. Yes you hear right, that’s TWO life changing conclusions for only two easy payments of $39.99. You must be 18 or older to order
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